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Anyone got a good new "clean" joke
Something to make us all laugh for a change
Supplement from 11/21/2006 11:48am:
This is worth the read.....

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers
that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on
the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any
more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard,
"That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the
leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey,
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down
with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just
when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and
skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there wil l be five fewer
people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print?

asked in jokes

Hiheels answers:

Aliens are reportedly coming down to take away all the good looking people.

You're safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye.

/ reply

TallScotsGuy answers:

Someone in the street stopped me the other day and asked if I could spare 5 minutes for Cancer research. I said, ok but we won't get much done.

I was on my way to join the Gym. The instructor there said to me "Are you flexible" I said "I can't do Tuesdays"

/ reply

duffield1 answers:

This is from a viral that my mum sent me:

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Pregnant BLONDE...
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to the supermarket and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Supplement from 11/21/2006 11:35am:

Let's just hope that Beep's black hair dye took - I'd hate to offend a blonde moderator!

/ reply

Messerwisser answers:

The blonde came to the office and demonstrated a new thermos.
- Isn't it fantastic, the salesman told me that this bottle will keep hot things hot and cold things cold.
- OK, what do you have in it?
- Two cups of hot coffee and one cup of iced tea.

Supplement from 11/21/2006 01:41pm:

I know that was an old one, but so are all the others.
Some are about 50 years old, but recirculation is really in!
But this I made myself only a few years ago:
Two tomatoes where crossing the road when a lorry came with high speed. The one saved himself by quickly jumping up on the sidewalk, but the other was run over.
But when the lorry drove away he was still there, unharmed.
His companion was upset and shouted from the sidewalk:
- Now you ruined a good story!

/ reply

tim.beasley answers:

Two crisps are travelling along a country lane when a car pulls up. The driver askes them if they want a lift, to which they reply....."No thanks, we're Walkers"

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick!

Q. How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 99 to 'share the experience'.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 2 - but don't ask me how they got there!

/ reply

Neko2 answers:

Q. Why does it take two women with PMS to change a lightbulb?

A. BECAUSE IT £$&$%" DOES!!!

/ reply

dinkrist answers:

In the registry office:
- I would like to name my new born son Jeremy.
- I'm sorry, this name already exists, try Jeremy2006, Jeremy_, Jeremy_1

/ reply

beeper_spryte answers:

two cows in a field, chatting away. the topic comes up to BSE and the political ramifications thereof, how it'll affect the economy and what will happen to the livestock in the UK. first cow asks for the second cow's views on what's going to happen to them. second cow says "i'm not bothered mate, mad cow disease won't affect me". first cow asks "why's that then?" and second cow says "i'm a chicken!"

/ reply


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