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Do you know any good, clean Christmassy jokes?
I'm looking for some nice Christmassy jokes that would not be out of place told in an abbey with children present - so nothing smutty and no double entendres. Jokes can be old or new. Thank you!
asked in christmas, jokes, humour



tim.beasley answers:

You can thank my daughter, Emma, for these.


What's Father Christmas's wife called?
Mary Christmas!

What is Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle Bells

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't a chicken.

Who is never hungary at Christmas?
The turkey, because he's always stuffed.

What is the wettest animal?
A rain-deer.


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redomelette answers:

Two snowmen are in a field, one turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots?"


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jeannebaxter answers:

What is a mum's favourite Christmas carol?
Silent night

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calender at Christmas?
He got twelve months

What kind of candle burns longer?
None, they all burn shorter

Why is it always cold at Christmas?
Because it is in Decemberrrrrrrrrr!

What carol is heard in the desert?
Camel ye Faithful

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis


What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
Platform shoes

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you can't beat it


How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep and crisp and even

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve



What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter D

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Hosanna
Hosanna who?
How's sanna claus gonna get down our chimney?
We have central heating and no chimney!!!!!!

Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Wenceslas.
- Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas bus home on Christmas Eve?

Why is it difficult to keep a secret at the North Pole?
Because your teeth chatter

Why can only tiny fairies sit under toadstools?
Because there is not mushroom

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy

What did Cinderella sing when her photographs weren't ready?
Some day my prints will come


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bikeman answers:

One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mum was coming to visit. This really stressed Santa! When he went to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Santa went into the house for a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze, and there was nothing to drink. He went to make a coffee, and in his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. Santa went to get the broom, only to discover that mice had eaten the straw that it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and he began cussing and swearing on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully:"Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day ? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just lovely? Where would you like me to stickit ? "
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

There are two snowmen in a field, one turn the other and asks "Can you smell carrots?"

A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas season and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus. Arriving there, they searched high and low for a room, but none was available at any price. Finally, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out of the car, telling his wife: "Stay here, sweetie. Let me see if I can do something for us." He approached the desk and the clerk told him there were no rooms. "Sorry, sir. It's Christmas Eve, our busiest time." No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he had nothing. Finally, the man told the clerk, "I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you'd find us a room."
"Well," stammered the clerk, "I-- I suppose so."
"Okay," said the man. "I guarantee you, they're not coming tonight, so we'll take their room."

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a brandy...........................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..............................................................
..........and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

Jesus was strolling through Heaven when he saw an old man sitting on a cloud, staring into the distance. "Old man," said Jesus, "this is Heaven! Why are you so sad?"
The old man didn't bother to turn as he said, "I've been looking for my son and haven't been able to find him."
Jesus said, "Tell me about it."
"Well," said the old man, still gazing at the sunlit horizon, "on earth I was a carpenter, and one day my son went away. I never heard from him again, and I was hoping I'd find him here, in Heaven."
His heart was pounding suddenly in his chest, Jesus bent over the old man and said, "Father?"
The old man turned and cried, "Pinocchio?"


Supplement from 11/26/2006 08:35pm:

There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

I've went through over 500 jokes that I have on my PC & these are the closest to clean & as close to Christmas jokes I have


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nivetha answers:

What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
Ill have a boo christmas without you...

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic


Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Q: What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus?
A: It looks like reindeer

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"


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spampot answers:

One snowman to another: Can you smell carrots?


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tarapalmer1974 answers:

What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet
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What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alpabet has no L! (Noel)
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What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?

Silent Night
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Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he HOE HOE HOE!
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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

FrostBite!
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Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

He had low elf esteem!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus

Claustrophobic!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it always cold at Christmas?

Because its Decemberrrrrrrrrr!
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