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Do you know any good Christmas jokes?
First Joke of The Christmas season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just >what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins..
asked in jokes, christmas, general fun



icarusinflight_Yes answers:

Being a male, I am not sure how to take this ? :-)
----------------------------
Latest : Santa is a Woman
----------------------------
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!


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dark_motives answers:

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"


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Hiheels answers:

Christmas is very nearly here.... Things you can only say at Christmas:
1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst.
5. I've never seen a better spread.
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet.
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once.
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in.
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning


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tim.beasley answers:

What do Santas helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe hoe hoe.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Clause-trophobic.


Supplement from 11/30/2006 02:06pm:

In reference to "Santa is a woman"

Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were
going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task
would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That's a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on the mobile phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated
windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the same.

I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer...Dasher, Comet, Blitzen... If those aren't male names for football players, than I'm an elf.


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