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I've had a bad day, anyone got any GOOD jokes to cheer me up?

Supplement from 05/21/2007 08:16pm:
Or bad ones...

asked in jokes, bad day

Neko2 answers:

A woman goes into the doctors office and says 'Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they don't smell...In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!'

The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, 'Take these for a week and then come back to see me.'

A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, 'Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?'

Doctor: ' Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing...'

Supplement from 05/21/2007 08:21pm:

...bound to get modded! LoL

/ reply

dendelion answers:

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any

widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on

her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy

bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her

knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a


/ reply

expressomick answers:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask. "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know. Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again "nurse, are my testicles black?!"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them sir"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at the nurse and says very slowly

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....

are my test results back?"

/ reply

leo4u1939 answers:

Subject: Government in ransom!

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on Westminster Bridge Its absolute gridlock... nothing is moving.

Suddenly someone knocks his window. The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on ?"

"Terrorists are holding Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and John Reid to ransom. They're asking for £10 million cash, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"

/ reply

blacksmith81 answers:

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened.

He replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face".

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher replied, trying to help, "the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye.

The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too!' and that's when I got punched in the face."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 6:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Abuja. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 6:00 AM.’

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, ‘It is 6:00 AM. Wake Up.’

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry. "What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

In the class of about 20 pupils, the teacher asked junior –“What are the three fastest way of communication?” Junior stood up and said.
1. Through a mobile phone
2. Through the internet
3. Tell a woman.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture”.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!".

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my pa

Supplement from 05/21/2007 10:29pm:

parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

/ reply

curly1-1962 answers:

Wealthy race horse owner driving down an isolated country lane one evening towing a horse box containing his prized breading mare worth half a million pounds.

His car breaks down.
In the distance he see's the lights of a farmhouse.

He asks the farmer if he can put him and the mare up for the night, the farmer says no problem, there's a barn for the mare and a spare bedroom for you.

The farmer takes the man and the mare to the barn, put her over there he says to the man, she will be safe in here she can keep Samson my old plough horse company. The man says I'm not being funny but my mare is worth a lot of money when see breeds, I don't want to risk an accident with your old plough horse.

With that the farmer says I see but don't worry there's a white sheet over there, cover your mare with it, Samson will never know she's there. The man did that then he and the farmer went to the farmhouse for the night.

After breakfast the next morning the man thanks the farmer and goes out to the barn.
Old Samson is there but there's no sign of the mare.

The man run's up the road searching for the mare when he see's an old man sitting by the side of the road smoking his pipe.

Excuse me sir, the man says, have you seen a mare running up this road covered in a white sheet?

No the old man say's, but I have seen a mare run up the road with a white handkerchief poking out of her arse :-)

/ reply


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