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For how long is it reasonable to wallow in sadness/misery before pulling yourself together and getting on with things? Why?
When life is not treating someone kindly and they have sadness/troubles/misery to contend with, how long do you think it's okay for them to "wallow in it"? How quickly do you think someone should snap out of it and why?

I'm having a bit of a wallow myself today - had to put our sheep down yesterday, which brought up unresolved death/pain/dying issues about my sister and other family members.
asked in Psychology, general opinion



jacquesdor answers:

How I wish I knew the answer to this question!
I believe you can´t put a time limit on grief and sadness, everyone deals with this in a different way. It will take time to work through your system but nobody can tell you how much time that will be.
Concentrate on as many positive things as you can, think about the good times and happy memories - particularly when dealing with a bereavement this is good.
Think about your life going on and determine to make it as good as you possibly can.
I don´t think you are wallowing, that implies a morbid enjoyment of it. Let your grief work its course.
Hope you feel better soon.


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wrestlingfan420 answers:

There really is no right or wrong answer here. It should take you as long as you feel is necessary to begin feeling better about things. Everybody handles these types of situations differently. Whenever there is a passing on, it releases many emotions that can sometimes be very overwhelming for someone to deal with. In some instances, a pet passing on can bring out more emotion than when a person passes on. As they say though, time heals all wounds, and in my personal experience, I have found this to be true. When you are the one dealing with the pain and mental anguish however, it can't come soon enough. I am very sorry for your loss, and I sincerely hope you begin to feel a little bit better about things. Unfortunately, death is one of those inevitable things that is very hard to accept and all you can really do is try to remember the good times. You take as long as you need to, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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coven answers:

As a fellow wallower at the moment, i believe that there should be no time limit on grief. mourning is a natural and healthy way to deal with sadness and loss. if you need to or want to cry then you should without fear be able to do so.
This is your healing proccess and shouldnt be cut short or stopped, its important to see it through and come out the other side stronger and more complete person. In some cases i believe we never stop grieving but we become more able to deal with the situation.
I for one am not ready to stopmourning my loss, its consuming every part of me but i know i need to go through it propperly before i can go on.

I wish you all the best and i am sorry for your loss. x


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BobBibleman answers:

I'm into decade number two. But I think you give yourself a month and then write down all your feelings and thoughts and then throw that away (not so much the symbolism as stopping you re-reading them) And remember not thinking about something isnt the same as not caring or forgetting something.


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KentPDG answers:

One can wallow in misery and self-pity for however long (s)he feels like it. There does not need to be an end to grief, for the rest of one's life; and there are many examples of people who closed in on themselves for a lifetime, following the death of someone very close or the breakup of a treasured romance (or other life-shattering situations),

However, at some point most people realize that by feeling sorry for themselves over a loss, they are blocking themselves from getting any pleasure or accomplishment from their lives. For those who feel there is a purpose to their existence, they realize that wallowing (as you say) is preventing them from fulfilling that purpose.

So it's not wrong to grieve and mourn and suffer; but after a very short time, it becomes self-defeating. All of that agonizing about The Way Things Were or The Way Things Might Have Been keeps one from changing The Way Things Are. When that realization arrives, most people just pull up their socks and decide to soldier ahead, making the best out of their lives with whatever is left to them.

We can't say how long it should take for someone to come to that realization, and muster up the strength to get back onto the merry-go-round that we call Life. Some do is very quickly, and it is unfair of us to criticize them for being insensitive or uncaring. Some do it only after many months or even years; and it is unfair of us to consider them broken-spirited or cowardly. Everyone has his or her own schedule.

Our task, as friends, is just to be present -- to offer a sympathetic ear, to provide encouragement, and to give whatever assistance might be requested. But we have no business trying to tell one who suffers that "It's long enough, now". Nor should we tell them "It's time to ge on with your life, now", as they may not yet have any interest in getting on with their life.

Of course we are sad to see the waste of opportunity and potential that accompany one's mourning "too long". But the decision belongs to them, not to us.


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Sapphire10 answers:

There is no set time to wollow in self pity It depends on the individual person and how extreme the situation is,Some people take longer to come round(Pull there selves together)than others.
It also depends if it is self pity or depression they are two totally different things what one thinks is self pity may not be and you can go on days,weeks,months without realiseing it but you would find this alot more difficult to come round from.
I would say time heals all wounds/sadness you will come out of it when good and ready, sometimes by yourself and sometimes with the help of friends.


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Moon-Struck answers:

That's a hard one, Redslap. I think it all depends on the severeness of the grief underlying your sadness. And even then it depends on how much misery you've experienced before in your life how quickly you pull yourself together. For some, a little bit of perceived rejection is enough to wallow for weeks, for others, three deaths in the family in one week is still no reason to be overly sad (exaggerating a bit here). I don't think people should "snap out" of anything but work things through and see why they felt how they felt as there's usually a trigger for any emotion, be it a "nice" or a "horrible" one. If I'm feeling generally good and healthy, I also get over disappointment quicker then when I'm feeling ill or a bit under the weather.
One thing I know is that there's no point in not wallowing and not crying as suppressing any emotion is only detrimental in the long term and utterly unhealthy.
Am wallowing a bit myself today, so am feeling with you. Things will look up, when it's time, Redslap.


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Hiheels answers:

Life can change in an instant Red, there aren't any rights or wrongs with emotions, they just *are* and you have to go with them for as long as they last.


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Theminxy1 answers:

No set rules here, difference in people, how they react to things, the severity of the loss and circumstances... All these and more will influence a person's feelings.

There shouldn't be a need to limit the amount of time a person needs to come to terms with things. Nor should it be a problem. Friends should understand. So long as the wallow-er isan't doing themselves any harm, and isn't having an adverse affect on other people... let 'em wallow to their hearts content.


Supplement from 08/04/2008 09:17pm:

tch ! *isn't*


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